you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
