Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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