I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
