I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
