Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Boobs speak an international language.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
