How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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