He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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