Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
there is glitter all over my balls
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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