I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
