dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
