I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
