Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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