No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
soo... how was my night?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
