Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
