3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
