I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
