apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
