Dude my mom stole all your condoms
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
