I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
