She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
