tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
