Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
This house was built for laser tag.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
