Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
