I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
