i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
