I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
