What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
