Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
