How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He did a backflip because drugs
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
