Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
