I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
