I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
