life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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