it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
