I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
