Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
