I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
