recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
