Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
