Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
