By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
