I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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