Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
