Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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