He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
