once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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