I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
