i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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