i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
