On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
