Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
