I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
